Resolvology Icon

We Communicate to Feel Validated

Jeannine Crofton - Calgary Marriage Counsellor

JEANNINE CROFTON

As we saw in the last blog post “Are you in a noisy marriage?” What we talk about with our spouse is only the tip of the iceberg of experience. We clearly talk to share information and we also talk to have our emotional needs met. There is a content level, a process level and an emotional level which are largely unacknowledged in day-to-day communication.

The content level is the information we send and receive. It is based on our perception of what is around us. This information can usually be observed. The next level of communication is the process level and that is the way in which we send messages.  Verbal communication is the most recognized way we communicate but we all know that non-verbal communication is powerful. Lastly we communicate on an emotional level and each time we try to engage we are actually looking for affirmation of our value. It is important in every exchange with our partner.

Carefree young couple embracing on couch.

We Communicate to Feel Validated

When you ask your partner about their plans for the evening you may be looking for information (content level). How you ask your partner about their plans also contributes to your communication. If you are focused on a ball game or involved in a series of exchanges by text with another person that is different than if you set your phone down, look your partner in the eye and seek to read their verbal and non-verbal response. The process of asking the information is important.  If you ask your partner about their plans for the evening you may actually be seeking confirmation that you are important to them (emotional level). If they say they hoped to go for a walk or “hang out” with you that may affirm your value.

“Notice that when we feel most intimately connected we talk easily and when we don’t talk we become emotionally distant. Communication and intimacy are highly connected.”

John Gottman, world-renowned relationship researcher and author of the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, coined the term “bidding” to describe our bid for attention and response. He suggests that when a spouse speaks to you they are actually seeking affirmation.

I propose that most communication problems happen at an emotional level. When we bid for or respond to bids we have the opportunity to affirm our connection with our partner. Notice that when we feel most intimately connected we talk easily and when we don’t talk we become emotionally distant. Communication and intimacy are highly connected.

So, in your relationship be sure to think about each exchange as having content, process and emotion. It is how you respond to a bid from your partner that makes the difference. Be deliberate to respond on all levels and see what a difference it will make in your relationship.

Jeannine's Signature

Ready to create your next relationship?

Start with a free 20 minute phone consultation.

201-225 11th Avenue SE
Calgary, AB, T2G 0G3

Tel: 403-869-5080

Client Login

Resource Library

Resolovology Marriage Counselling Logo

Copyright 2020©